To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter… to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird’s nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life.
I should have been in Mudgee this week.
I had the opportunity to do an amazing course that I should have been so psyched to do.
I should have gone.
But I didn't.
I didn't feel psyched. Instead, I felt anxious. I felt super self-conscious. I felt so completely not confident in myself or my ideas and so I didn't go. I felt that I should have been excited, but I wasn't. I felt that I should have been ready, but I wasn't.
Lately, I've been should-ing all over myself.
It sounds like this:
"I should call them back..."
"I should email them back..."
"I shouldn't have had an almond croissant for dinner..."
"I should write amazingly authentic and inspiring blog posts..."
"I should be a better friend/relative/person in general..."
"I should have sorted out my life by now..."
"I should have gotten over my grief by now..."
"I should start being happy again..."
I should probably stop doing this to myself.
I will stop doing this to myself.
It can be so easy to focus on the things that we haven't done or the mistakes we've made. And it can be even easier to dwell on those things, instead of patting ourselves on the back for all the great things we've done and all the good choices we've made. Sometimes, I'm too impatient to get to where I want to be, that I don't realise I've already taken some pretty great steps in that direction.
So today, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for not emailing back straight away, for my occasional almond croissant dinner, for my flakiness, for my sadness, for my impatience and for my hesitation.
I forgive myself because I know that I am trying my best.
I forgive myself - not because I should, but - because this is the way I love myself**
...and, sometimes I do email back straight away.
*thank you Carrie Bradshaw.
**and thank you Meg and Chelsea for being completely amazing
and writing such inspiring posts that gave me a kick up the bum :)
I've been loving this strange Sydney summer weather.
Yes it's weird, yes it's inconvenient. But I've somehow found a rhythm within it.
For a while there it was a bit nuts, I know. Rainy, humid, cold-all-of-a-sudden, then hot again.
But there's a pattern now. You've noticed it too right? The days are lovely. Sandals and summer dresses weather. Hair in a bun to keep the sticky strands off my neck.
Then the cool comes at about 7.30pm and then the rain not long after.
I L-O-V-E it.
It's the perfect crafting weather, and for me this means knitting. Combined with the fact that I've been feeling pretty hermit-y lately, I've gotten a lot done.
After un-picking and re-doing the neck line a couple of times, I finally finished this slouchy Rolled Hem Sweater last night. I saw the pattern on Julia's blog and knew I needed to make it straight away. Her pattern was super easy to follow and her pictures were a good reference to work from too.
I'm not entirely sure that I stitched it up correctly - but I think it works. I might re-do the neckline once more - I think I want it to slouch a bit more than it currently does.. we'll see.
I've been trying to settle on a resolution for a month now.
I love that feeling of anticipation for the new year - for new starts and renewed energy and passion for the things that are important. And I was itching for a new year to start. I was itching to start fresh and release myself from the past year.
I felt a new energy rise inside of me at the beginning of the year. Without really having a clear idea of where exactly I want this year to take me, I began to feel hopeful again. And so I found this new hope - a hope and conviction that I would start believing in myself again. That I would have faith. In myself at least, if nothing else.
Last year was tough. And I let myself feel so overwhelmed.
I know that I'll probably always struggle to sort through all the feelings I have.
I will probably always feel things deeply.
But I know this is who I am, and I don't really mind.
I like that I feel it all.
I just need to keep believing in myself - and reminding myself that I can get through it.
So I had been trying to settle on a resolution.
I think I have finally found it.
And boy-howdy, don't you know, Gillian Welch has turned it into a song. (Or I've turned her song into a resolution. Something like that.)
*and I'm gonna blog more.
** and I'm gonna finally learn how to make this blog prettier. yee-ha.