I should have been in Mudgee this week.
I had the opportunity to do an amazing course that I should have been so psyched to do.
I should have gone.
But I didn't.
I didn't feel psyched. Instead, I felt anxious. I felt super self-conscious. I felt so completely not confident in myself or my ideas and so I didn't go. I felt that I should have been excited, but I wasn't. I felt that I should have been ready, but I wasn't.
Lately, I've been should-ing all over myself.
It sounds like this:
"I should call them back..."
"I should email them back..."
"I shouldn't have had an almond croissant for dinner..."
"I should write amazingly authentic and inspiring blog posts..."
"I should be a better friend/relative/person in general..."
"I should have sorted out my life by now..."
"I should have gotten over my grief by now..."
"I should start being happy again..."
I will stop doing this to myself.
It can be so easy to focus on the things that we haven't done or the mistakes we've made. And it can be even easier to dwell on those things, instead of patting ourselves on the back for all the great things we've done and all the good choices we've made. Sometimes, I'm too impatient to get to where I want to be, that I don't realise I've already taken some pretty great steps in that direction.
So today, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for not emailing back straight away, for my occasional almond croissant dinner, for my flakiness, for my sadness, for my impatience and for my hesitation.
I forgive myself because I know that I am trying my best.
I forgive myself - not because I should, but - because this is the way I love myself**
...and, sometimes I do email back straight away.
*thank you Carrie Bradshaw.
and writing such inspiring posts that gave me a kick up the bum :)