tomorrow will be horrendous.
it's 3.56am and i'm still wide awake.
these long lingering nights come along every few weeks. and my mind races and my soul wanders and i think about who i've known and what i've been shown.
i dipped into some old memories tonight. forgotten memories.
well, almost forgotten i guess.
i've been feeling forgetful lately. i've been predicting a future of dementia for myself, then becoming frightened by the reality that it doesn't just affect the elderly. and i forget some more, and freak out some more. nothing too out of the ordinary, really.
i think that i'm fearing this forgetfulness because so many real things have been happening lately and i used to have such a habit - such a strong ritual, really - for recording life.
but not any more.
i've lost my words.
well, maybe they are still there inside me.
only, it's not time for them to come out yet.
i fear that the important things might be forgotten.
the shape of them will remain, but the details lost forever.
what hits me most is the weight - the heavy weight of what's left to remember.
the heavy weight that i need to carry.
i must carry it.
too much has been learnt to leave it behind.
but it's not just that.
of course, there's more.
it's that it's on me now.
there are fewer people to ask now.
to remind me.
to describe to me how small my hands used to be.
or what my favourite food was when i was 5.
or what i wanted to be.
do i need to know those things?
and don't i normally spend most of my time running from those things?
i constantly dream of something else, somewhere else.
of the blank canvas, the new start.
free from ideas of who i was or who i've been.
only carefully selecting what i love about me, and forgetting the rest.
forgetting the rest.
but then a night like tonight comes along and takes me by surprise and memories appear again.
and i feel relieved for a moment.
but this too passes, and the weight slips back.
i am trying so hard to be my own answer.
i am my only constant and that's ok.
it brings me to tears, but that's ok.
because it's also what brings me back.
and i heave a sigh and my tears stop and i find stillness again.
and i'm calm and still alone.
but i'm calm.
this only happens at night.
when it gets to 4am and i'm wide awake and these thoughts appear.
and then they pass.