where i'm at.

i've been thinking a lot about this lately. where i'm at, that is.
actually, i've been thinking a lot about everything lately.
why, you ask?
well.
quite frankly, i've had the time.

i've had the time to sleep in, to waste a day watching reality tv, to walk around the house all day with no purpose, to pay bills, to make phone calls, to clean up, to throw things out, to pack life up. 

i've been struggling to find the words to really explain what's going on in in my life. part of me wonders, 'do i need to explain this to people?', but then, a situation comes along where i want to explain the situation i find myself in these days, because i feel like it is important. it is true and raw and real.
maybe it's not rosy, but it's real. and part of me is so incredibly energised by that. i feel so incredibly present in each moment.
most of the time.

the thing is, it doesn't really matter what it is that i'm doing at this point in my life. because at any given point, i'm either doing a lot, or nothing at all, and really those tangible/intangible things don't matter.

instead, it's how i feel about it all. that's what's important.
i hear you out there saying "well, that's incredibly obvious", but stick with me here for a minute, because it's been exciting to actually have this sink in..

i've had a hell of a year. it's only august i know, but i can't help but look back and feel everything wash over me in this incredible wave of realisation that i've experienced a lot this year. a lot of brilliance and magic and opportunity and people have come my way, and a lot of sadness and loss and reflection has also passed through my life.

but to jump to the present - i'm actually feeling pretty good about where i am and who i am. but it took a while to get here - to accepting who i am. my day to day life hasn't actually changed that much in the past few months, but my internal dialogue has, and it continues to improve and gain strength and patience and a bit of wisdom too, i hope.

and although i am on the edge of what i suspect will be an immensely busy and full and crazy spring season, i want to throw a few words out there about this past winter...

this winter has lingered and hung over me with it's grey skies. in equal parts, it has surprised me and enlivened me with it's unexpected sunshine. i sunk into feeling a bit hopeless about being unemployed, and felt that i wasn't contributing as much as i felt i could or should.
and then, i let myself explore.
i started to use this time that i was suddenly gifted with, and to take a moment to actually sort out my head a little bit, sort out my heart, and let this time be a passage of learning and reflection.

this morning, i heard my housemate rise, shower and leave for work. i had a moment of blues. i felt inadequate. i wouldn't be going to work today. i would probably not come much closer to sorting out what it is i want to be doing with my life (well, maybe a bit..). i would still be unemployed, still be stuck in this lingering winter.

then i curled my toes and pulled my blanket up higher around my cheeks and felt their warmth and softness and i said a little thank you to the universe for giving me some time to myself to explore and decide what it is i want for myself. for giving me the time to sleep in, the time to spend a morning walking through the streets, buying fresh fruit and drinking good coffee. coffee that i have the time to enjoy in the sunshine. the time to spend an afternoon baking and listening to good music. an afternoon of replying to emails of job offers (because i'm putting myself back out there and have already been gifted with out-of-the-blue opportunities where i'll be paid for being creative! who knew?! hurrah!).

i celebrated my unemployment today. because it will probably end quite soon. and because it was about time that i was present and accepted that this is where i'm at and that it's ok. it's actually pretty normal.

where are you at?